Day #9: Going Back Home

I've gotten lazy and haven't posted the last entry to this blog in 2 days. Lugging around all this fat has made me complacent and prolly in need of a couple of passes through an industrial strength highway truck wash.

We got up at our regular time, sometime after 10AM. We all actually got a good night's sleep this time too. Not because dLo had some miraculous unclogging of his nasal passages but because we pooled our ever declining IQs together and bought some earplugs from the local pharmacy. Why didn't we think of this on Day 2?!?! Nevermind, don't answer that.

Still full from last night (are you seeing a pattern here?) we decided to go to the beach for one last bit of fun in the sand. Sun was out, waves were big and we were all sad we had to split for the airport in only an hour.

We took off for the airport and said our goodbyes to Jeb. We were all super bummed to see him leave, he came on this trip last minute, stayed with us all the way through to Jacksonville and kept on belting out that infectious laugh of his until the very end. Thanks for all the laughs Jeb! We'll never forget them!

Now down to 4, we had our last meal at some airport joint and surprisingly it was actually quite good. 2 pulled pork sandwiches and 2 burgers made up our breakfast/lunch.

The flight back was largely uneventful. We made our connection in Houston and continued on to Edmonton. We landed and made our way through customs looking forward to getting home a bit early since we had no checked luggage. Everything was going smoothly until I handed my customs declaration form to the border agent on my way out. This is where the fun started...

I was asked to step to the side area where my purchases would be confirmed and my luggage checked. No biggie I thought since I only bought $200 worth of stuff and had all my receipts. Everything checked out until my passport was scanned and I was placed under arrest. Yep you read that right, ARREST! I was asked to sit off to the side while the RCMP were called in to look into the matter further. So I sat, with a 5-hour-long-plane-ride full bladder to boot. There was no little boys room in the "secure area" so I had to pinch it. Eventually the RCMP showed up and it became apperent that I was under arrest for an unpaid city of Edmonton bylaw ticket. So a note to all you readers, a combination of a bitchy neighbour and that unmowed lawn or unshoveled sidewalk could land you in the slammer. I was later released on the condition that I show my hardened criminal self in court to face the punishment (aka pay the $100 fine). The pretty RCMP officer was actually quite pleasant throughout the entire ordeal and even escorted me out into the luggage claim area. She was even nice enough not to mention neither my wide ass nor my jiggling belly.

It was about 2 hours after we landed at this point and Seb had already left so I met up with dLo and Susie to do our weigh-in (evidently Seb had already done his). Here are the results, by this time you should know who's who.

So here's the official tally:

dLo = 3.2lbs
Susie = 4.6lbs
Seb = 1.8lbs
Weber = 3.6lbs

Susie destroyed us all!! My tapeworm took a vacation when I needed it most, dLo went pee beforehand and I think Seb may have put a couple fingers down his throat. There's no way he only gained 1.8lbs!!!

So that's it. The trip was absolutely positively 100% a success and I would recommend it to anyone. I'm going to go through all the entries and hyperlink at the places and restaurants we ate at so that it's a little easier for anyone considering a similar trip to look them up. If you have any questions just put it in the comments and I'll do my best to answer it.

Thanks for reading!!!

Day #8: Florida Beaches

We can't seem to wake up at any sort of respectable hour. Today was another day where our alarm clock was the cleaning crew knocking on our door, seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Maybe we need more sleep to digest all this food we've been eating...

We were an hour outside of Jacksonville so we skipped breakfast (or I guess it was lunch at this hour), decided to head for lunch there and then Atlantic beach. We had what was probably our most disappointing meal at Culhane's Irish Pub. The lamb sliders that Seb, Jeb and I ordered were the worst $10 we had spent so far on this trip. Susan's shepherd's pie was overly sweet and I don't remember dLo's meal. To make up for the disappointment of the slider I ordered the potatoe skins, which were famous for their caramelized onions, and then promptly pulled them off. Onions make me gassy and no one wants a gassy pilot on a road-trip. Seb got the Guinness stew which he took to-go and ate the rest in the Outlet mall parking lot 6 hours later. Surprisingly it was still warm and delicious.

We spent the rest of the day at Atlantic beach. It's becoming blatantly obvious that if a female football league ever starts up Susie will be their first star asian quarterback. She throws a tighter spiral than Payton Manning. All this after only first picking up a football 2 days ago. None of the above can be said for Jeb or dLo... They're like Swiss cheese.

With copious amounts of sand in places you should NEVER have sand we took off for St. Augustine. This place is absolutely incredible. It's a little taste of Spain right in the middle of Florida, it's also the oldest town in the US. We all loved it. For dinner we found a tiny Cuban restaurant called La Herenicia Cafe in beautiful downtown St. Augustine and were served by a very cute waitress from Connecticut. The food was amazing and more than made up for the disappointment of Culhane's at lunch. Jeb got a girly drink and Susie ordered a salad.

As luck would have it we were also right next door to the local cougar watering hole so there was plenty of eye candy walking by. Albeit some were in dire need of a reality check, tight white jeans only look good on a particular body, otherwise it looks like you're making home made cottage cheese. And that's not something anyone wants to see.

A couple doors further down we also spotted a polish and Greek food store and diner with a polish flag waving on the outside. A bit odd to see in such a small town.

Tomorrow we're flying back home but we're still planning on hitting the beach if we wake up at a reasonable hour that is.

Day #7: Florida

Another sleepless night, not so much because sleeping on one's stomach is becoming an issue but more-so because dLo sounds like a boar during mating season getting speared by a cattle prod.
It's not pretty.

We dragged our ever-widening behinds out of bed and headed to Mobile AL. Which by the way has the oddest skyline of any city I've been to. Two 40+ story skyscrapers and that's it. Very odd. Anyway, we passed through Mobile and stopped at the USS Alabama park to check out the WWII battleship. They also had a WWII submarine and a quite a few planes as well. We guys loved it but I'm sure Susan was counting every excruciating second. She'll deny it but I'm sure it true.

For lunch we went to Manci's Antique Club in Daphne AL. We re-hydrated on some green drinks that looked like they could have been served on the set of Star Trek. Then the burgers came... And all I have to say about mine is DAAAAAUUUUUUUMMM! This thing should have had a halo around its neck. Of note were the chilly (with bacon), fried mushrooms and SOUR CREAM! I needed to dig the thing out of the over-flowing
Chilly just pick it up. I was in heaven. The rest of the group however found it quite disturbing.

After we stuffed ourselves we took off for Florida and the beaches of Pensacola. Chilled there for a few hours and much to the chagrin of the 2 cute girls close by we repeatedly demonstrated our ineptitude in tossing a football around or playing friz-bee. It was utterly embarrassing.

Just after sunset we hit the highway again trying to get to Tallahassee. We decided to make up some time and when we finally checked into our next shady hotel it was well past 1AM, and we were crazy hungry. Someone upstairs likes us since the only place open was the super exclusive gourmet food serving Huddle House. To those that are not familiar with this perennial Michelin Star winning restaurant think Denny's but 12 times more disgusting. Had it not been for our state of near starvation I think we would have simply gone straight to bed, fortunately the hunger had masked the taste enough so that none of us recycled our meals in the parking lot behind the fried oil bin.

We decided to put dLo under pseudo-quarantine in hopes of solving his snoring. So we got him a cot. This was the shabbiest looking cot I've ever seen. But after dLo queer-eye-for-the-straight-guyed that thing, it looked like a cot straight from a Disney World Motel 6.

Tomorrow we're off to Daytona Beach and hopefully more food and sun.

Day #6: Mississppi and Alabama

We woke up with our ears still ringing from last night's concert. We've been waking up between 10AM and noon the last couple days so we were in a bit of a panic when it was 11AM when we got up and Jeb's flight was at 10:30. We thought we were gonna be rid of the yankee but it looks like he's gonna be sticking around with us all the way to Jacksonville. What a "shame". ;-)

For breakfast we took our incredibly under-dressed selves to Dookie Chase's. We were hoping that we would get ushered into a basement closet somewhere deep out of sight but unfortunately our ever expanding bellies got placed right in the main room. The food was delicious and it was a total surprise to us four culinarily uncultured Canadians that we were in a restaurant that people like President Bush, Obama and even our own premier Harper had eaten at. The real surprise however happened during dessert (yes I'm serious, breakfast dessert) when Mrs. Chase herself came out to talk to us and ask how our meal went. She was a bit disappointed that we didn't bring her any salmon however. Mrs. Chase was sweet, kind and very soft spoken; it was an absolute pleasure meeting her. Gotta remember to bring some Canadian salmon next time we're there.

After breakfast we walked around the french quarter and downtown New Orleans for a bit. The thing that gave us the most trouble was the damn parking meter pay station. My solution was to use the one across the street. Looks like not only are we getting fatter but also, especially in my case, my mental capacity seems to be taking a hit.

We took off for Mobile, AL and I thought it would be pretty cool to go across the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway which is the longest bridge over water in the world. It's also the most boring bridge over water in the world. So naturally afterwards we needed some pick-me-ups. How convenient that a Daiquiris & Creams appeared just off the highway.

Shortly after we stopped at a beach to stretch our legs and expose our 2nd trimester bellies to some sun. Another completely deserted beach with not a single soul on it so fortunately we were the only ones to experience the pleasure of seeing Seb's pasty white rump as he ran by.

Our next stop was The Shed BBQ and Blues Joint for some bbq, beef pork and chicken. As always the portions were huge and the food delicious. A huge meat sampler platter to start, 3 bbq brisket and 2 pulled pork sandwiches later we were ready for some dessert.

The bellies were yelling for ice cream but all we could give them was frozen yogurt. The bellies didn't seem to mind though as we polished those off in record time. Maybe too fast though as afterwards Seb declared I smelled like a toilet... There was probably a hint of truth to that. This trip is definitely taking it's toll.

Needless to say after meals like that we crashed as soon as we got to the hotel, some of us even refusing to shower in the suspiciously stained bathroom. We figured we'd just shower at the beach tomorrow, or at least that was my excuse, maybe Seb was on to something...

Day #5: Makin' Our Way to the Big Easy

We woke up this morning to the sight of dLo admiring the ever expanding inner tube around his mid-section. Soft whimpers escaped his mouth and a tear trickled down his face as Seb comforted him by simply saying "It's still there, no matter what you dreamt".

After a giant breakfast at Louie's Cafe on the LSU campus we hit the road bound for New Orleans and on our way out we swung by a daiquiri joint for a couple refreshing beverages. Tyson the bartender not only served us some great 2-for-1 daiquiris but also gave us a brief history lesson and recommended we swing by Donaldsonville which was the capital of Louisiana at one point.

We took Tyson's advice, took a small detour to Donaldsonville and hung out on the Mississippi River levy. We then hopped back in the car and made our way towards New Orleans hugging the banks of the Mississippi.

Susie demonstrated her superior alcohol consumption abilities when the small daiquiri she was drinking started going straight to her head. Luckily we were passing by a Jesuit retreat where she was miraculously healed after lying amongst some towering oak trees. Typical Asian...

We continued to hug the Mississippi and after passing numerous sugar cane and rice plants we finally made it to New Orleans. We checked into the St. Peter's Guest Hotel and got a massive 2 bedroom suite with a large living room for all of $90 per night.

After checking-in and leaving the car at a shady parkade we headed to Cafe Maspero for some dinner. Susie ordered a muffalatta that was the size of her head and promptly devoured an entire quarter of it. The other three quarters she gave to dLo, Seb and I. The rest of us ordered a mix of Jambalaya, grilled chicken sandwich and a round of $1 daiquiris. Yes you read that right, ONE dollar daiquiris.

For dessert we headed over to Cafe du Monde for some Beignets with a centimeter icing sugar piled on top. When it was all said and done we were completely stuffed.

Next stop was the Maple Leaf Bar on Oak Street to check out the Rebirth Brass Band. While waiting for them to hit the stage we headed next door to Jacques-Imo's to down two traditional southern drinks, a Sazarec and a Hurricane.

Well limbered up we headed back to the Maple Leaf Bar and watched The Rebirth Brass Band put on an absolutely INCREDIBLE show. The trumpet player had cheeks the size of bag pipes and handled that trumpet like he came out of the womb with it in his hand. Jeb got dragged in to a dance-off by some guy that wore his sunglasses around his mouth and Susie attempted to consume another alcoholic drink.

One the way home, in a brilliant stroke of utter idiocy I decided to take a different way back to the hotel and got us so lost that the resulting detour had us on the other side of the Mississippi. There's a reason I'm the driver and not the navigator...

Tomorrow we're off to Mobile and then the sun and beaches of Pensacola. Should be a good day especially with the great weather we're having.

Day #4: The Bayou

We started of the day with a swamp tour from Ryan and Guy at Au Champagne Swamp Tours. Saw a bunch of Blue Herons, Skanks, Flying Ribeyes, Cormorants, a Bald Eagle, turtles, gators and a crazy ass spider. Biggest gator we saw was a 8 footer from about 15 yards away.

Also, we have empirical proof that my ass is getting fat. On the swamp boat I leaned back and broke the chair thereby precariously pinning myself in a half crab half prone position. And they laughed, and they laughed...

Also, note to anyone who's going to be travelling through New Iberia LA on Labour Day, if you're trying to find a place to eat you have many options, as long as its Popeyes. The place where the have two drink sizes: Large and a GALLON. Just an fyi.

We hit a beach to take a bit of a break. The sun and fresh air were a welcome channge from the freon laced fumes we had been breathing in for the majority of the trip. Seb proved his masculinity by finding a water snake in the rocks but then promptly traded it in for a healthy dose of estrogen when he started whining about an ant that bit his foot.

We then headed for White Castle LA in hopes of finding a White Castle yet all we found out was that WHITE Castle LA (the city) was indeed grossly misnamed and a slightly more accurate name might be "Not a single WHITE person lives here CASTLE". All was good though, after dLo filled up our gas tank, while getting eye-assulted by 8 classy and contributing members to society, we were on our way to Baton Rouge.

As we pulled in to the parking lot of Chimes Restaurant just off LSU campus Jeb spotted a pair of freshmen girls decked out in Purple and Gold and loudly proclaimed "4G service and white people, I'm in heaven." Some blackened gator, boudin balls, 5 Po' Boys, 2 pitchers of beer and another round of white chocolate bread putting later we were all ready to pass into a deep cajun food induced comatose state. Although Seb looked like he had just reached his second trimester and wanted to pass out right then and there.

Day #3: Out of Texas and in to Louisiana

Weather is turning to crap as we get closer and closer to Tropical Storm Lee. We still tried to hit the beach at some lake outside of Livingston but we decided to save the $20 entry fee since it was windy and kinda rainy.

We hit up El Taquito for lunch and had great mexican food. Seb found a vending mmachine with some grills for $0.50 so we all got some. The results are NOT pretty. Susie looks like she has 3 miles of gums, Seb looks like a bulldog, dLo's grill was so low it looked like it was on his bottom teeth, I looked like some pasty white vamp and, not surprisingly Jeb was the only one that looked half decent with them on.

We hit the road heading southeast towards the coast. We passed a lovely beauty salon and a half decomposed dog carcass.

We crossed into Louisiana and drove along the coast for a while. The damage from the hurricane was still visible. Gross amounts of garbage lined the deserted beaches and empty concrete pads dotted the streets where houses sat before they got washed away.

After crossing the only FREE ferry in the US we stopped in a town called Cameron, found a stray dog that peed when petted so we fed it some peanuts.

We finally got to Lafayette and headed straight to Prejean's for some cajun food. With a 18 foot 800 lbs aligator in the entrance and live cajun music it was everything you'd expect from a traditional cajun restaurant. The food was amazing!!! We had 3 different kinds of gumbo, crawfish, shrimp, catfish and a white chocolate bread pudding that made me cry.

Stuffed out of our minds we checked into a Motel 6, watch The Bourne Supremacy, killed a cockroach and passed out.